It has now been four months since I last saw White Cat. My fears came true ~ this page has turned into his memorial. I get tears in my eyes whenever I think about him. I came so close to saving him, but failed. His colony has scattered (I tell myself they are still alive). Where they once lived, there are now five duplexes being built. My husband and I have moved from the neighborhood now, but every time we go near there, I search for my ferals.

I know better now. Next time I won't kid myself into believing that I can tame a feral into coming home with me just because I feed him and have fallen in love with him. Next time I will use a safe trap and get the cat spayed or neutered, vaccinated, and release it back to its colony. After that, we can work on being friends.

Dear White Cat, please forgive me for letting you down. I am so sorry that I didn't do things differently. I will always love and remember you and your beautiful blue eyes.

6/15/00: In our neighborhood, there is a white male cat with blue eyes. He would be such a wonderful, beautiful pet, but no one cares about him. Everybody says, "I hate that cat!" The problem with White Cat is that he has never heard a kind word, never been held and loved, never had regular meals, never been taken to a vet for vaccinations or to be neutered. White Cat is a feral cat. He is totally unaccustomed to human contact ~ other than to be yelled at, kicked, thrown rocks at, and I don't even want to know what other cruelty he has endured. For a long time I was terrified that he would get near my cats and give them some horrible disease. Then one day I saw him limping with a broken leg and my heart sank. I knew then and there that I would have to find some way to get near enough to White Cat to get him the medical care he needed.

6/16/00: I put food out for him and instead of running off when he saw me like he usually did, he very slowly came over and ate. He's here every day now for food, but runs off the minute I open the door. As soon as I close the door, he comes back and eats. My goal is to get him into a box and take him to the vet to have his wounds attended to, be vaccinated and neutered. Sam hates his guts, so I probably won't be able to adopt him. Right now, I can't get close enough to him to do anything but feed him, but I feel like I'm easing his misery a little and that helps. The big problem is: This is only one cat that needs help. There are thousands and thousands out there just like him ~ or maybe even worse. The really bad part? Feeding this cat isn't enough. He needs to be neutered and vaccinated. He is fathering unwanted kittens all over the neighborhood. What will happen to them?

Update 7/11/00: He showed up today after being missing for five days. The last time I saw him, he had a deep, bleeding gash on his head. If you look closely at the pictures, you will see the wound, which is at least two weeks old when the pictures were taken. I know that someone threw a rock at him or clubbed him. I was afraid he was dead, but he still lives. That is one tough cat! My heart aches for him because the gash is all infected. It's so tempting to make a mighty lunge for him and take my chances, but I know that doesn't work. So I wait and keep trying to touch him. I can't get over the feeling that he would like it because we blink slowly at each other and he seems to love that. If I can't get him to a vet soon, he surely will die.

Update 7/16/00: I haven't seen him yesterday or today. Is he dead? This is agony! Update 8/1/00: He's still alive! He spent the night on the patio in a lawn chair, ate and left. Update 8/17/00: I'm despairing of ever being able to touch him or get him into a box. I will have to rent a trap to get him to the vet. Why didn't I do that a long time ago? I feel so guilty. Update 8/30: He looks much better today. The wound is healed (I don't know how), but he is still limping. He ran off the second he saw me. What happened to the progress we had made? This is so agonizing.

A very upsetting part of this story is that I had just located the feral colony where White Cat lived with several others. We went out of town for a few days and when we returned, the area where they lived had been bulldozed to build more houses! The magnificent, ancient cedars and pines that gave refuge to many, many kinds of wildlife besides the ferals were gone! I keep seeing new cats coming around looking for a meal. Word seems to have gotten out that a free meal can always be found at Jacqlee's house. During the night the opossums come to eat the cat food. However, I don't see the hawks, hear the finches, see many squirrels anymore. It's very sad. My heart breaks, now, when I look out in my back yard. We used to love it here because of the wildlife sanctuary on the other side of the fence. Now that is gone. Is White Cat gone too?

Update 9/23/00: I am hoping this page on White Cat doesn't turn out to be a memorial to him. I haven't seen him for over a week now. Update 10/30/00: I haven't seen White Cat since my last entry. My heart is very heavy whenever I think of him. I miss White Cat and worry about him. And where are my poor ferals living now that their area has been ruined by construction? Soon it will be winter. Already the nights are getting frosty. Even in Everett, it snows.

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